I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
