i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
