DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
