booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
