my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
