I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
