Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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