Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
