whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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