dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Randomize
