His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
