I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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