we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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