am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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