I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
