there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
