Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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