Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
