I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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