you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
