it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
