sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
sex in a hospital.. check
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
