I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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