Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
