I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
