Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
