god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
They took my balls.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
