why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
