just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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