I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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