Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
