I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
