11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize