she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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