Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
