I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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