You just made me feel so damn special
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
