Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
