I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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