my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Your shirt... Was in my pants
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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