Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize