You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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