Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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