i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
