Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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