Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
