it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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