just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
The power of my boobs compel you
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
