I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Rumble strips road head = magical
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
