woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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