Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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