Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
