What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When are your genitals available?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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