This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
