Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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