So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
