I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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