Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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