he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
