he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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