I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
ttyl tear gas
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
