Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
